Friendship

I heard a saying, about 10 years ago, that people come into your life for a reason, a season and lifetime. Back then, I thought, "Yeah. That makes sense." But after all my experiences through the years and all the friendships I've formed, lost, and left behind, I know this to be absolutely true. Over the years, I've made many friends, acquaintances and even had many toxic relationships. The hardest part about many of these relationships is that we don't know which category, reason, season or lifetime, any of them will fall into when we first enter them. When you get hurt by the loss of these relationships, you start building walls and become skeptical and suspect of everyone, especially if you felt used or taken for granted in your previous friendships/relationships. It makes you fearful of meeting new people and forming new bonds. You become suspicious of everyone's intentions. It makes being authentic a scary thing.

As the years have gone by, and I've made new friends, I've realized a thing or two about friendships for myself and I've grown in terms of how I approach forming each relationship. I used to be scared to make friends in fear of them leaving, hurting or betraying me. When I would approach my social interactions with people with a suspicious mind, I felt this tug of inauthenticity. I felt like it was so far against my nature to be suspicious and not be optimistic about the good in people, and it showed. The more I withheld of myself because of that fear, the more it reflected in the people I tried to form relationships with in the fact that they all seemed "two-faced" or that they had something to hide. It was never anything malicious, but they weren't being authentic. They weren't being authentic because I wasn't being authentic. When I realized that, I changed the way I approached each relationship, and it has changed me.

I began to open up again. I began to be the true me. I was creating the space for people to be authentic with me by being authentic myself, bleeding heart and all. However, I created healthy boundaries. Before, I didn't HAVE any boundaries. I just overextended myself because I equated my worth to the amount of help that I gave to people, even if it was costing me and my family time, money and energy. I have always had a passion for helping people, but this time around, I set boundaries for myself that I could fulfill my passion of helping people, without it coming at the cost of me and my family. I realized that what I did before was taking on the responsibility of other people's problems and struggles as my own and I tried to "fix" them myself. This time, I don't try fixing all their problems nor do I take them on as my own. I try to equip them with tools that I know will help them, but it's up to them to take the reigns and steer that boat. They need to harness their own power for taking responsibility for their conditions in life and DO something with the tools I hand them. Relinquishing that burden from myself of trying to handle other people's issues as my own has liberated me from the guilt of not "helping" in the ways I would before. It has also led me to some amazing friendships along the way.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine one day and it dawned on me that no matter how much time has passed, with certain friends, when we talk it's as if hardly any time has passed at all. The love that was there before, is still there, and in fact, continues to grow. I have been blessed to have had a few friends like this over the years and I cherish them very much. It felt as though the universe was reminding me that I needn't be afraid of connecting with people. It was telling me to reach out to continue connecting to people and be authentic in my connection. It was telling me to be myself because those that truly love me for who I am will remind me of who I am through my connection with them, and with myself.

I was scared to connect before because I was afraid to get hurt. I was afraid to get hurt because I was approaching the relationships with the same mind frame of trying to "fix" their problems by getting very emotionally invested and fearing they wouldn't take my advice. If they didn't take my advice, and things would go wrong or downhill, I felt guilty for not communicating the effectiveness of my advice. I felt responsible for their downfall. When I let go of that responsibility, it shifted me. When I removed fear from the equation, I became free, and willing, to connect and be authentic with people, allowing them to do the same.

Letting go of fear also allowed me to let go of the fear of being hurt. In a way, I just accepted the possibility of being hurt, but also opened up to the possibility of that hurt being a good thing. Over the last 2 years or so I adopted a philosophy of looking at the negative occurrences in my life and instead of asking, "Why me?" I began looking at the situations and asked myself, "What is this trying to teach me?" So, instead of falling victim to the circumstances, I began just learning from them. I turned hurtful situations into learning experiences and it has changed my life. I'm no longer afraid to be hurt, because I know that on the other side of pain is growth. The only way out of pain is to go through it.

I have a newfound freedom and confidence when meeting new people and forming new relationships. I believe that I can learn so much from anyone and everyone that may come, go and stay in my life and I value each one of them tremendously. Regardless of whether or not someone comes in to my life for a reason, season or lifetime, I will seek to gain whatever knowledge and experience I can through each relationship. And if it ends up being a relationship to last a lifetime, I will be forever grateful and I will treasure those particular friendships until the day I die. It takes a little bit of faith in yourself, courage to be authentic, and openness to hold space for others to do the same. I'm challenging myself to do this on a daily basis, and I challenge you to do the same. Especially if you've been hurt or jaded by toxic, unhealthy or one-sided relationships. Give yourself hope of a light at the end of the dark tunnel of isolation and loneliness for pure, authentic and loving relationships to be possible.