Early morning reflections

This blog has been on my mind the last week or so. Last Sunday I was supposed to post another entry, but for some reason, I lacked the inspiration to do so. I have been constantly reminding myself to post something, anything, because I had made a promise that I would. I even started a couple different entries a day or two after Sunday. But they felt forced and artificial. They didn't feel inspired or heart-centered, so I decided to just start over and deleted those posts. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, for some reason, as soon as I made the commitment to post every Sunday, I had lost all interest and inspiration to write. I don't know if it was because now I was trying to fulfill an obligation, because I was committing to something or if it became something that I was no longer doing for me, but for others. Regardless of why I had lost all interest, I just had to acknowledge that I had lost interest. Not completely, but just temporarily. I was so caught up in my every day stresses and pressures, I was too distracted to sit down and write ANYTHING.

It seems as though this is something that happens to a lot of us. And when it does, we sit and beat ourselves up for not doing enough. For not managing our time better. For not sticking to a routine or fulfilling a promise or commitment. And for me, when I do these things, I begin to feel inadequate. I feel like a disappointment and it can sometimes send me into a downward spiral of depression or into a flurry of anxiety. However, in recognizing that for myself this week, I decided to do something different. Instead of allowing myself to beat myself up, telling myself things like, "See? You can't do this. You aren't good enough. What you have to say ISN'T relevant. You're too busy with life to write. You have to just stick to what you've always done and always used as excuses," I did a little self-reflection and said to myself, "It's OK. These things happen. When you are inspired to write, it will flow from your heart. Don't force yourself to write when you don't feel like it. It's OK if you miss this deadline. It's not the end of the world." When I let go of that expectation of myself, and gave myself permission to just skip last week's entry, I felt this giant weight lifted and I felt inspired again, and here I am.

Since it's been about 2 weeks since my last entry, I want to share all the events, big and small, but mostly small, that have taken place since my last entry.

When I started this blog, my kids were all gone, vacationing, my oldest daughter with her boyfriend in the bay area, and the younger two with Lolo & Lola (grandpa and grandma in Tagalog). It was easy to stay focused on the things I wanted to do because I wasn't using being a mother as an excuse NOT to do those things. Since they've been home, I've been trying to find the balance between being a mom and being an individual with dreams and goals. I've been trying to balance the different aspects of myself, because while they were gone, I made the realization that when they're grown up and moved out, I would be only left with myself, so what am I going to do? I'm a relatively young mom, so I will have a lot of life left to live once my kids are grown.

Over the last year, I've realized that I don't want to work for other people the rest of my life. I want to work for myself. I want to be my own boss and make my own schedule. That's partially why I started this blog. I want to try and create an income with something like this. Not this particular blog, but perhaps another one, more centered around a focal subject. I got the ball rolling and started pitching ideas to some friends of mine to start an online store and business (coming soon). I started building another page which will be both a blog and a store with all the members sharing blog posts that they feel inspired to write and all the products we plan to offer. I want to work from home, sooner rather than later, because in the "rat race" of working for other people, particularly my former employer, I was missing out on some of the most formative and memorable times in my kids' lives.

When I made the realization that I was seeing, and was more informed about customers' lives than I was with those of my children, I knew it was time to make a change. Making the decision to leave my old job has been the best decision I've made in my life. I still work a lot, 7 days a week between my 2 jobs, but I've found that I have MORE time with my kids and I have MORE time to spend developing the projects that I began years ago. I'll be honest, it's still been rough trying to find balance between work and home, but it's a work in progress and I haven't given up.

Last week was particularly difficult because it was Halloween week, and we LOVE Halloween. It was a struggle because my 2 oldest children had already decided what they wanted to be for Halloween but we had to make some adjustments because we weren't able to financially make those things happen. But, my kids are creative and understanding, characteristics of which I am so grateful. We weren't able to decorate our house until the Sunday before Halloween, we barely got pumpkins to carve the Saturday before and all the while, their dad and I had to work all week. There was a lot of juggling going on this particular week, but we managed to pull it all off. Here's a photo of them after trick-or-treating:

Wednesday Addams, American McGee's Alice & Owlette

They all had a great time. We managed to not have any meltdowns, despite all the walking because we chose to do door-to-door trick-or-treating this year. They didn't get as much candy as last year, but the experience was worth it. The adults in the house also dressed up and trick-or-treated, as we do every year. Here are our costumes:

Panda (me), Anubis (dad) & the Mad Hatter (roomie)

Now, with Halloween behind us, the major holiday season is fast approaching and we're preparing for the impending winter ahead.

I think with my recent revelations on my commitment to post every Sunday, I will TRY to post every Sunday, but if I don't, I won't beat myself up about it. I want this to stay a project of inspiration and heart-centered rather than obligation. It feels better and I think that I will write more from a space of inspiration and love rather than guilt and obligation. When I write from that space, my purpose will be more fulfilling and people will be more able to connect with my messages.

And on that note, until next time...